An open letter for E.

I don’t watch movies anymore.

At first thought I wasn’t sure why, but talking to him tonight, now I know for certain.

It just brings me too much pain. I can’t stand the thought of love anymore. I don’t like the looks of it, I don’t like the sound of it, becuase thoes people holding hands laughing somewhere in the world aren’t us.

The way he would hold me and let me tears flow down his chest.
The way he would calm me with a simple ‘shh’.

The way he would text me just to see how I was doing becuase, alothough he would never admit it-not even to himself, I know that he felt the same way I did.

He loved me, and I him. 

And that is why it is so hard for me to read anymore. To allow myself to stare at the couple sitting beside me at a restaurant for a second longer than I should. Its just too painful to think that I had what I had been looking for and didn’t realize it.

So now with the distance and the pain always at the back of my head, I allow myself some time to reflect, because I know that I love you.

Thank you E  for being my rock, for helping me overcome the torment my mind puts me through as I remeber that night, and for showing me that love is full of irony and despair. I owe you my life. 

I will always love you
-Amber

Change is Rough..

I knew I wanted this.

Last summer when I decided I was going to move across Canada to live my dream, something inside me just knew this was what I was supposed to do with my life. 

I had always wanted to live in the maritimes, I have always wanted to study writing, but I didn’t realize how drastically my life would change in such a short period of time. Friends suddenly leaving me high and dry, the guy I had kind of been dating for over a year moving away just a few months before I would. 

I never have felt more confused, alone, frustrated yet hopeful and excited.

I am excited for the challenges that lay ahead of me, but so very worried that I am going to lose more people that are close to me.

Am I going to be all alone? Will I have a complete emotional break down and have to come home and I will have no one left? All of these thoughts are running through my head. What will happen to me? What will my future be?

It is a scary thing changing all that you know in a blink in an eye.

This is more of a diary entry than anything else. I’m not really sure why or what I’m writing at the moment but it just feels good to write it all out. Somtimes I just need to put everything into the universe and get back to what made me want to move to begin with-writing. 

Just a Teens Scars…

They all wonder why

I cry and sit in my room alone.

They tease and make fun

Of the woman I have become

But little do they know

That they are my foe

And the reason that caused me to be alone.
When you can never do anything right

So you hug your knees and cry at night

And bow your head and pray

That all their words will go away

Because you and the lord know 

They hurt you.
With all the yells and screams

You let yourself daydream

That someday they will see

Just how wrong they were to treat me

Like a sword peirced my heart

I show them my scars

Up and down my back

Their words, they attack

As blood drips down my face

Nothing can replace 

Thoes hurtful words they scream at me.

How I Cured Acne For Good! (The natural Miracle Pill!)

Disclaimer: all opinions are my own and I am not sponsored by any products mentioned. Please talk to your docotor and do some research yourself before you do anything mentioned. These are the things that have worked for me, they may not work for everyone. I hope they bring you some peace with your skin. Enjoy!

My skin today.👆
Growing up I was always average- average at school, average at sports, average ay writing. But the one that got me, the one that tormented me late at night and made me poke and scratch at my skin everytime I looked in a mirror-was my average looking body. Or at least thats what I thought of myself( I am sure my mother would testify differently). 

I remember going to the orthodontist and hoping for braces or head gear just so I could be different, and yes there was once a time when I wanted acne becuase thats what the big kids had- yes stupid, I know that now. That saying ‘be careful what you wish for’ could not be more true, becuase my wish was the universe’s command. When I entered grade six my skin broke out like I had just been attacked by a forrest of wasps. I was covered from head to toe, back to front in acne.

Once I was living with pimples for about twenty four hours or so, I decided ance probably wasn’t as great as I thought it was as a kid, and I no longer wanted it. So I went with my mom to the drug store to get some topical acne cream. 

Ok pause for a moment- raise of hands, who thought the topicals worked?  Well if you said you did not think it worked, you would be correct!

Surprise suprise. So when days turned into months and months into years, I finally decided enough was enough and I went to the doctor. 

By this point I was around 14. My doctor went through the routine topical creams upon topical creams- still no luck. Then we tried birth control and I finally for once in my teenaged life saw results!

As time went on I stayed on the pill but the results started wearing off. My skin would break out all the time no matter if I was on or off the pill. I spent so many nights crying and hating myself. Everyday at school was like a nightmare, I felt so useless, ugly and unwanted. My days were spent obsessing over what people thought of my face and how they would perceive me. I was not healthy in any sense of the word.

This continued up until I was about seventeen or so. 

So why all of a sudden did my acne clear up? It is actually pretty simple.

The following are the tools I used to clear up my skin for good! If you are struggling with acne I really hope some of these help your skin, becuase I know first hand how horrible ance can make you feel. Please remember no matter what your situation you are perfect and the state of your skin will never change that.
Natural Topicals: Although I did not have much luck with the over the counter topicals that I was buying from the drug store, some natural remedies did the trick for me! 

I highly recommend Tea Tree Oil. I use it everyday no matter if I am breaking out or not. I use a cotton swab and dab on the oil where I have a breakout. You do need to use this product in moderation however becuase if you use too much or apply it multipul times in a day you may end up burning your skin. Yes I am talking from personal experience.

If you have dry/sensitive skin like me,and find that moisturizers break you out, I reccomend coconut oil. It is honestly a miracle worker. I use a small amount all over my face and body twice a day. After about a week my skin was glowing.
Cleaners and Face Wash: 

Although I am not a huge fan of topicals and drug store products in general, some cleansers have actually help my skin out alot. I use the Cetaphil Face Wash everyday- once in the morning, and once at night to get my makeup off. 

This product is very gental on the skin yet does an amazing job cleansing. I have used this product since I wad about 13 and I swear on it religiously.

I also  recommend any of the Oxy Pad face wipes. This product is one that I use every night to insure all of my makeup is gone. Just be careful if you have very sensitive skin becuase this product works wonders but is strong. 
Diet:

I know thousands of people have said it before, but I will say it again for the people at the back. Diet is everything! If you are trying to clear up your acne fast, drink lots of water whenever you are thirsty, eliminated processed sugars, and stop eating Dairy.

I am not trying to force my way of life on anyone, but I can say from experience, once I went vegan, my body, my skin, my health mentally and physically all change for the better. I stopped eating meat all together, cut out all the dairy and my skin completely cleared up! The big one for me was cutting out dairy. I did not become vegan over night but once I had offically stopped eating ice cream and cheese, it was like I was a new person. 

Of course I highly recommend going vegan for millions of other reaons too, but by  cutting out a little bit of dairy from your diet everyday will have your skin and body thanking you.

Supplements:

Ok. Here is the big one! Millions of people around the world suffer from hormonal acne, and unfortunately I was one of them. This one is more directed to women so if you are a male im sorry but maybe just skip over this one. Once I discovered this my life completely changed! I take two of the of the Estrosmart Plus supplements created by Lorna Vanderhaeghe daily and honestly I cannot praise this woman or the product more! 

These pills are vegan and and proudly Canadian! They are free of artificial colours, Gmo’s, gluten, soy and dairy as well as many more. It directs you to take one-two capsules a day with food, and trust me they are magic workers! 

Be ware that they are a little on the pricey side but are totally worth every pennie! 

Again I am not a doctor and all opinions are my own. Some of the things mentioned may not work for you, so be careful and please talk to your doctor and do your research before you take my advice. 

I really hope I have helped! If you are struggling with ance please always remember that no matter what your gender, you are perfect no matter what, and we need to go through storms to get to the sun! Keep your head held high and know that you are beautiful!

Thank you so much for reading!
-amber ❤

Dreams

There is this dream, 

I hide deep inside.

So scared am I, 

To even try.

It seems so far,

And yet so close.

Im ticking time bomb,

But I cant help my hopes.

I try to suppress,

Everything I feel,

For I am scared,

It may never be real.

I close my eyes,

And hang my head,

Nothing to do here,

Im as good as dead.

But if I found the courage,

To prove them wrong,

I think I would be happy,

It wouldn’t take long.

But I am scared,

And unsure what to do,

So I keep my dreams a secret,

And wish nobody knew.

My Problem With People.

In a world full of false loves and likes,
Where people date materials,

And do nothing but fight.

We find warmth in our possessions,

And look down at the poor,

Who smile back at us,

Our eyes fill with scorn.

We are naive,

And stupid to dismiss,

That we have false joys,

And wrongful bliss.

We created this mess,

Religion aside,

For we are the devils,

We have nothing to hide,

Take a look around,

To see what you see,

The faces people put on,

Hiding behind degrees.

We are filled,

With nothing but anger,

We take it out on others,

But it’s our selves we are trying to hide.

Polution, wars, viollence too,

By working on ourselves,

We might just save our planet too.

-AmT

Instagram:amberbeatay

All my firsts.

He was all my firsts.

First kiss

First makeout

First kiss under fireworks

But I did not feel the fireworks.
He was my first.

My first time

My first drunken night with a boy

My first time feeling completly out of control

My first being scared for my life.
He took away my firsts.

He stole them from me.

I will never get them back.

He snatched them from me.

He took away my trust.

He took away my warmth,

And left me here laying in the cold.

He took all my firsts.
-AmT

Instagram:amberbeatay