Doll House

Sooo this is a little abstract even for me. Im not totally sure how I feel about it but I wanted to share it anyway.

A little girl sat in her room,

Playing with her dolls.

She brushed their hair,

Combed every knot through,

And as she was leaving,

She blew a kiss or two.

She loved thoes dolls,
Each and every one,

She took care of them,

And left behind none.
But along came her brother,

Pall and friend,

He tore them to peices,

And swore at them,

Over and over again.
He treated them with such anger,

Frustration and furry,

Ripped out their pig tails,

And tore off their dresses.
When the little girl came walking in,

She began to cry,

At the sight he had created.

An awful distruction,

Of what used to be,

Her doll house was in ruins,

As her dolls stood helplessly.
So in walked their parents,

At the sound of her cries,

For all of her hard work,

Had suddenly died.

Her mother spoke in a broken voice,

Let your brother play with them,

Dear,  I’m so sorry 

You have no choice.
-AmT
Instagram:amberbeatay

The Monster Within Me

So, I wrote this a couple years ago when I was in a very dark place. Although I no longer am facing the same struggles as I was while writing this, I still have my issues and I think everyone can relate to one line or another in it.

I am happy to say that I am a happy joyful person today, but none the less I still am proud of this poem. So here it is.

The monster within me,

transforms my outside into my insides, 

The crippling sight of the horror I feel,

makes me feel hollow.

If only I wasn’t the only one to see it.
My black eyes fade over themselves,

the demon eating my soul is revealed,

I look into the mirror at myself as I scream,

but nobody hears.
I so badly want to yell out every feeling I have ever felt, 

just so somebody can relate,

But no noise comes out.
-AmT
Instagram:amberbeatay

You Can’t Daydream in a Nighmare

I still don’t know what happened that night. I still hug my knees in a weak attempt to fall asleep. I let the comfort of my own body lull me to rest, becuase after all that is the only body I can trust anymore.
What people don’t realise, is that Hollywood does not properly depict what it is like. It is not mournfully beautiful. It is not a pretty, skinny, perfect girl with sweet beads of tears gently rolling down her cheeks.

 No.

It is a drunk man or woman, unsure of what part of the city they are in. It is not some stranger stalking you in the street. It is someone you know. Someone you thought you could trust. It is laying there unable to throw punches or kicks, because you are in complete disbelief of what is happening.

You never think it will be you until it is.

Just one kiss. You keep telling youself, but soon one becomes two, and two becomes five, and five becomes ten, and ten becomes so much more than a kiss. Suddenly you find yourself uncontrol of the situation. You make excuses, you try to leave but when he grabs your arm to pull you back you don’t protest becuase he did buy you that drink, and he did give you a ride home after all. 
You try again to leave. You try to say goodnight. All you want is the warm familiarity of your soft bed, but instead you are woken to reality with a thud as you hit the groud.

Before you know it, you are stripped of all your dignity. Everything you never thought would happen to you again, is. You close your eyes. You try to go to a happy place, but a wall is in you path, becuase the pain is just too real to keep you from daydreaming. You cannot daydream in a nightmare. Tears fill your eyes. Tears like nothing you have ever cried before.

They always taught you how to handle yourself in these situations, but what they don’t teach you is how to handle others. 

Because kicking and screaming is hard to do when you have lost your voice.
-AmT

Instagram:amberbeatay

If You are Depressed Please Read…

With the months of winter gloming upon us, I wanted to write about something that way too many people experience in this day and age. Living in Canada where we spend half the year in freezing cold snow, I have spent my fair share of most years with seasonal depression. As a young teenager this black cloud would follow me into the summer months as well to the point where I became suicidal.

So. If you are depressed or suicidal please know things get better. This may or may not be a phrase that you hear alot but please hear me when I say it. Your life will get better. 

I am so sorry that you have to go through that. No matter who you are, I am deeply sorry. If things kinda suck the big one right now in youe life, They Will Get Better. 

I promise.

The first step in getting over depression, is to  want to get better. I know this may be hard at times, but visualize yourself happy in the near future. Before you go to bed at night practice smiling- even if you don’t mean it. 

Just fake it until you make it. Try your absolute hardest to think positive thoughts, and eventually thoes thoughts will no longer have to be forced.

Do at least one thing a day to make yourself happy. Wether that is just laying in bed or meditating, take half an hour to treat yourself and get away from thw chaos of life. Take you time, and don’t you dare even feel slightly bad about it. No one blames you. (And if they do,tknow that I don’t like them)

Get fresh air. Take a walk or a bike ride, and practice calming your breathing. Feel each breath of fresh air fill your lungs. As you walk notice the little things. All the colours of fall, or a little kid riding their bike. If you are in the city, notice the designs of the buildings. 
Practice makes perfect. Another cliche, I know. Practice smiling, practice complimenting yourself, practice doing things you love, and take time for yourself. And PLEASE remember things will get better. Your life will get better. This is just a rough patch, but the universe never hands us anything we can’t handle. You are strong and you will get through this and your life is worth living. I promise.

I hope this mayne helped at least someone out there. I know what you are going through, I know it sucks, but you are brave and strong and you will overcome it.
Instagram: amberbeatay

How I Let Anxiety Control My Life

For as long as I can remember anxiety has been part of me.. Or at least thats what I was told by my doctor.( Side note- doctors are great and all when it comes to flu season, but not all that helpful with emotions.. In my own experience) My first incounter with anxiety that is notable was when I was almost a year old. That was when I started biting my nails. And im not talking the stero-typical biting that happens in cartoons, I mean 24/7 cannot control it, impulisve reation, all day, every day . Yes- I am embaressed by it.

The only way I could decsribe it to my family and doctors was that it was like an addiction. I just could not stop. It was a way to escape all of my stressers, almost like a distraction from the chaos around me. 

It wasn’t until I watched a video on Instagram where a woman was talking about her anxiety diagnoses that i realised I wasn’t alone and to top that, it wasn’t an addiction at all. 

I have been prone to anxiety attacks since i started middle school which was over 8 years ago now. The worst was when I was in grade 9 and I forgot where I was, what my name is, where I lived etc. ect.

Remember how I told you that my doctor flat out stated that anxiety is part of my personality ( which by the way, I have come to realise is complete BS), well her words hit me hard smack dab in the face. What I took away from that appointment was a new bottle of pills- which i had been prescribed 4 times before that (and they never proved helpful) but also that my anxiety was me and visa versa. I should just give up, accept the fact that things will never get better, and thats just what I did.

Now enter a minipulative boyfriend and depression into that equation and you have me in 2015. I was a mess. Random outbursts, tears and more fights than I can count with my family. I was completly consumed by this intruder in my head telling me that I don’t belong here.

It wasn’t until I broke things off for the finale time with my ex that things started looking up for me. If you can take anything away from this long story, please know you will never change a toxic person, they will change you and not for the better.

I am  still not completly over my anxiety, I do not think I ever will be to be honest, but things have gotten alot better. I still cannot sleep the night before I work my retail job becuase I have such bad social anxiety, but I can talk myself down which is defintly an improvement.

Some techniques that helped me talk myself out of an anxiety spell were;

  • Deep breathing. This one might seem obvious but just focusing on your breathing and the rise and fall of you lungs in insanely soothing.
  • Think postively. Again it is an obvious one but positive thoughts can be hard to conjure up, so just working on having a happy mindset can not only distract you but also bring you to a heathier place in your head.
  • Don’t lay in bed thinking all day! If you are anything like me this one is HUGE. Going out and keeping yourself busy is so important for a healthy mindset. I have said it before and I will say it again, if there is nothing else you can do for your anxiety- distract yourself from it. Join a gym, write, draw, go for walks, paint, go shopping. The list goes on and on. 

Please don’t get the wrong idea; I am not trying to bash doctors or say by any means that thinking positive is going to all of a sudden clear up all of your problems becuase we are human and it sure as hell will not. Sorry. If you are like me you may need to consult your doctor about possible metication if things are not seeming to fix themselves. When I went on anxiety meds , thats when I started feeling better and thinking positively started to become eaiser.

PSA: Please consult your doctor before you do anything. I am obviously not a doctor, I just want to share my experiences with anyone who is interested. If you are feeling depressed, anxious or suicidal please please  PLEASE talk to someone you can trust to help you seek a professionals guidence. 
Kinda long one so if you made it this far kudos! I love you! Thanks so much
Xoxo

Amber

Instagram: amberbeatay