I don’t watch movies anymore.
At first thought I wasn’t sure why, but talking to him tonight, now I know for certain.
It just brings me too much pain. I can’t stand the thought of love anymore. I don’t like the looks of it, I don’t like the sound of it, becuase thoes people holding hands laughing somewhere in the world aren’t us.
The way he would hold me and let me tears flow down his chest.
The way he would calm me with a simple ‘shh’.
The way he would text me just to see how I was doing becuase, alothough he would never admit it-not even to himself, I know that he felt the same way I did.
He loved me, and I him.
And that is why it is so hard for me to read anymore. To allow myself to stare at the couple sitting beside me at a restaurant for a second longer than I should. Its just too painful to think that I had what I had been looking for and didn’t realize it.
So now with the distance and the pain always at the back of my head, I allow myself some time to reflect, because I know that I love you.
Thank you E for being my rock, for helping me overcome the torment my mind puts me through as I remeber that night, and for showing me that love is full of irony and despair. I owe you my life.
I will always love you
They all wonder why
I cry and sit in my room alone.
They tease and make fun
Of the woman I have become
But little do they know
That they are my foe
And the reason that caused me to be alone.
When you can never do anything right
So you hug your knees and cry at night
And bow your head and pray
That all their words will go away
Because you and the lord know
They hurt you.
With all the yells and screams
You let yourself daydream
That someday they will see
Just how wrong they were to treat me
Like a sword peirced my heart
I show them my scars
Up and down my back
Their words, they attack
As blood drips down my face
Nothing can replace
Thoes hurtful words they scream at me.
He was all my firsts.
First kiss under fireworks
But I did not feel the fireworks.
He was my first.
My first time
My first drunken night with a boy
My first time feeling completly out of control
My first being scared for my life.
He took away my firsts.
He stole them from me.
I will never get them back.
He snatched them from me.
He took away my trust.
He took away my warmth,
And left me here laying in the cold.
He took all my firsts.
I still don’t know what happened that night. I still hug my knees in a weak attempt to fall asleep. I let the comfort of my own body lull me to rest, becuase after all that is the only body I can trust anymore.
What people don’t realize, is that Hollywood does not properly depict what it is like. It is not mournfully beautiful. It is not a pretty, skinny, perfect girl with sweet beads of tears gently rolling down her cheeks.
It is a drunk man or woman, unsure of what part of the city they are in. It is not some stranger stalking you in the street. It is someone you know. Someone you thought you could trust. It is laying there unable to throw punches or kicks, because you are in complete disbelief of what is happening.
You never think it will be you until it is.
Just one kiss. You keep telling youself, but soon one becomes two, and two becomes five, and five becomes ten, and ten becomes so much more than a kiss. Suddenly you find yourself uncontrol of the situation. You make excuses, you try to leave but when he grabs your arm to pull you back you don’t protest becuase he did buy you that drink, and he did give you a ride home after all.
You try again to leave. You try to say goodnight. All you want is the warm familiarity of your soft bed, but instead you are woken to reality with a thud as you hit the groud.
Before you know it, you are stripped of all your dignity. Everything you never thought would happen to you again, is. You close your eyes. You try to go to a happy place, but a wall is in you path, becuase the pain is just too real to keep you from daydreaming. You cannot daydream in a nightmare. Tears fill your eyes. Tears like nothing you have ever cried before.
They always taught you how to handle yourself in these situations, but what they don’t teach you is how to handle others.
Because kicking and screaming is hard to do when you have lost your voice.