Dreams

There is this dream, 

I hide deep inside.

So scared am I, 

To even try.

It seems so far,

And yet so close.

Im ticking time bomb,

But I cant help my hopes.

I try to suppress,

Everything I feel,

For I am scared,

It may never be real.

I close my eyes,

And hang my head,

Nothing to do here,

Im as good as dead.

But if I found the courage,

To prove them wrong,

I think I would be happy,

It wouldn’t take long.

But I am scared,

And unsure what to do,

So I keep my dreams a secret,

And wish nobody knew.

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My Problem With People.

In a world full of false loves and likes,
Where people date materials,

And do nothing but fight.

We find warmth in our possessions,

And look down at the poor,

Who smile back at us,

Our eyes fill with scorn.

We are naive,

And stupid to dismiss,

That we have false joys,

And wrongful bliss.

We created this mess,

Religion aside,

For we are the devils,

We have nothing to hide,

Take a look around,

To see what you see,

The faces people put on,

Hiding behind degrees.

We are filled,

With nothing but anger,

We take it out on others,

But it’s our selves we are trying to hide.

Polution, wars, viollence too,

By working on ourselves,

We might just save our planet too.

-AmT

Instagram:amberbeatay

All my firsts.

He was all my firsts.

First kiss

First makeout

First kiss under fireworks

But I did not feel the fireworks.
He was my first.

My first time

My first drunken night with a boy

My first time feeling completly out of control

My first being scared for my life.
He took away my firsts.

He stole them from me.

I will never get them back.

He snatched them from me.

He took away my trust.

He took away my warmth,

And left me here laying in the cold.

He took all my firsts.
-AmT

Instagram:amberbeatay

Doll House

Sooo this is a little abstract even for me. Im not totally sure how I feel about it but I wanted to share it anyway.

A little girl sat in her room,

Playing with her dolls.

She brushed their hair,

Combed every knot through,

And as she was leaving,

She blew a kiss or two.

She loved thoes dolls,
Each and every one,

She took care of them,

And left behind none.
But along came her brother,

Pall and friend,

He tore them to peices,

And swore at them,

Over and over again.
He treated them with such anger,

Frustration and furry,

Ripped out their pig tails,

And tore off their dresses.
When the little girl came walking in,

She began to cry,

At the sight he had created.

An awful distruction,

Of what used to be,

Her doll house was in ruins,

As her dolls stood helplessly.
So in walked their parents,

At the sound of her cries,

For all of her hard work,

Had suddenly died.

Her mother spoke in a broken voice,

Let your brother play with them,

Dear,  I’m so sorry 

You have no choice.
-AmT
Instagram:amberbeatay

The Monster Within Me

So, I wrote this a couple years ago when I was in a very dark place. Although I no longer am facing the same struggles as I was while writing this, I still have my issues and I think everyone can relate to one line or another in it.

I am happy to say that I am a happy joyful person today, but none the less I still am proud of this poem. So here it is.

The monster within me,

transforms my outside into my insides, 

The crippling sight of the horror I feel,

makes me feel hollow.

If only I wasn’t the only one to see it.
My black eyes fade over themselves,

the demon eating my soul is revealed,

I look into the mirror at myself as I scream,

but nobody hears.
I so badly want to yell out every feeling I have ever felt, 

just so somebody can relate,

But no noise comes out.
-AmT
Instagram:amberbeatay

You Can’t Daydream in a Nighmare

I still don’t know what happened that night. I still hug my knees in a weak attempt to fall asleep. I let the comfort of my own body lull me to rest, becuase after all that is the only body I can trust anymore.
What people don’t realize, is that Hollywood does not properly depict what it is like. It is not mournfully beautiful. It is not a pretty, skinny, perfect girl with sweet beads of tears gently rolling down her cheeks.

 No.

It is a drunk man or woman, unsure of what part of the city they are in. It is not some stranger stalking you in the street. It is someone you know. Someone you thought you could trust. It is laying there unable to throw punches or kicks, because you are in complete disbelief of what is happening.

You never think it will be you until it is.

Just one kiss. You keep telling youself, but soon one becomes two, and two becomes five, and five becomes ten, and ten becomes so much more than a kiss. Suddenly you find yourself uncontrol of the situation. You make excuses, you try to leave but when he grabs your arm to pull you back you don’t protest becuase he did buy you that drink, and he did give you a ride home after all. 
You try again to leave. You try to say goodnight. All you want is the warm familiarity of your soft bed, but instead you are woken to reality with a thud as you hit the groud.

Before you know it, you are stripped of all your dignity. Everything you never thought would happen to you again, is. You close your eyes. You try to go to a happy place, but a wall is in you path, becuase the pain is just too real to keep you from daydreaming. You cannot daydream in a nightmare. Tears fill your eyes. Tears like nothing you have ever cried before.

They always taught you how to handle yourself in these situations, but what they don’t teach you is how to handle others. 

Because kicking and screaming is hard to do when you have lost your voice.
-AmT

Instagram:amberbeatay